Will and I had the most blissful babymoon on Sanibel Island. He was coming off a particularly busy time at work, and it was exactly the low-key, completely alone, relaxed week that we needed. We talked about the baby a lot, but only in an excited, we-can-bring-our-baby-to-the-beach-next-year and seriously-what-should-we-name-her kind of way. We spent late nights out in Captiva and early mornings on bike trails and in breakfast cafes pondering these things. But when our trip was over way too soon, we started onto the Sanibel Causeway, and “Fast” by Luke Bryan came on the radio. Tears started streaming down my face. We had just hit Week 29, and little did I know, this was just the beginning of a very emotional time known as the third trimester.
When Will asked me what was wrong, I told him we’d never have another vacation that easy and carefree again because we’d either have a kid with us, or we’d be so eager to get back because we missed our kid. It was all happening so soon and I just didn’t know if I was ready. We have no idea what our baby’s personality is like or how she will change our lives, but we do know that nothing will ever be the same. No matter how much more fulfilling I hope our lives as parents will be, I started mourning the end of our spontaneous, easy, newlywed marriage on that causeway.
I’ve always been a nostalgic person, resistant to big change, particularly when I’m already happy. I thought my college graduation was a death sentence, so you can imagine my surprise when two years later, leaving New York to move to Nashville was almost just as hard. In fact, the only major change I can remember embracing wholeheartedly was marrying Will. And these past two and a half years of marriage have been the happiest of my life. (College Catherine would be so shocked to hear that.)
While this time I know that life can, and hopefully will, just keep getting better with this sweet Baby Girl, that resistance to change is definitely back again. I told Will yesterday that I looked at people out and about walking their dogs and doing DC summer things and realized how separate I felt from them. Life is going on as it always has, but I’m in my own little world constantly preparing for this huge change that could happen any day without warning. I would like to preserve a bit of that third trimester world here.
Hesitation About the Unknown
I think all of what I’m describing above fits into the category of “hesitation.” Mostly it’s that I have no idea what this motherhood thing will do to my identity and relationships. I keep worrying that I’m going to “miss” Will and Pippa so much, because I’m going to be so preoccupied with the baby. Right? I just don’t know what she’s going to do to the happy little bubble we’ve created together. Will Will and I still talk about other things, and will I still have time to love on Pippa? Will we still travel and spontaneously treat ourselves to our favorite restaurants? Then I wonder if I’ll still feel like myself when I add this very heavy new identity, “Mom,” to my life. Will it make me feel like an old lady? (Ha!)
Excitement
I’m so excited for that feeling everyone describes about how you’ve never known a love like the one you feel for your child. Whenever I hear anyone talk about how there’s nothing like holding your baby for the first time, I start to tear up at that too. I’ve also been spending a ton of time just hanging out in and staring at the nursery. I love to just stare at Baby Girl’s clothes and wonder what she’ll look like and what her personality will be like (and often, what in the world her name will be). I can promise you we are so excited to meet her.
Worry
I’ve heard it said that the primary work of pregnancy is worry, and that is completely true. I worry about her health, how our labor and delivery will go, and whether we’ll finish all the important preparations in time a lot. Also, am I eating healthily enough? Am I exercising enough? Too much? Did she flip? Did I remember to floss today? Are we reading and singing to and praying for her enough? Sometimes it feels like every day I discover a new thing to worry about that I didn’t know could be an issue until I read about it somewhere. This usually adds to my to-do list of things I should be doing to prepare for and prevent the many potential pitfalls of parenthood.
Nesting Craziness
Wedding planning could get stressful, but at least we knew what day our wedding was! One of the hardest things for me about this process has been that we don’t really know how much time we have left. I’m a planner, and I would really prefer to know exactly what day this massive life change will be happening, thank you very much. All the unknown is a big factor in the own-little-world feeling for sure. I know the clock is ticking, and I don’t want to be caught with a lot of unfinished business when the timer goes off.
Trying to Embrace Life As we Know it Right Now
On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, I’m also eager for us to get out, see friends, live life, and finish all kinds of unrelated-to-baby projects. That’s what this post is really about. We know that once she’s here, our primary focus and attention will be consumed by her. I probably won’t be finally getting my gmail to Inbox 0 or checking out many rooftop restaurants, so now is the time.
All the Love
Finally, I had heard about the way pregnancy can make you just love everyone, and I’m totally feeling that. I think this experience has woken me up in a way. I’m much more mindful of all the wonderful people and blessings we have in our lives and have been just enjoying and appreciating this time more. I feel like I’m noticing things more and savoring the good things more fully. That really makes no sense with what I said about being in my own little world, but hey, a lot of this has made no sense.
Will, by the way, is genuinely just excited. That’s it. Just happy and full of pure excitement. Men.
